Following your Gut.

A couple months ago now, I decided to move into my sisters basement apartment. I had realized that what I really needed was a space of my own. Where I felt free to create my own schedule, eat my own vegetarian creations and simply live by my own rules. I consciously stopped and asked the universe to provide such a place for me. (Funnily enough I also remember thinking to my self “I can’t do basements,” proof that the universe really doesn’t pick up on negatives like “no,” “non,” “un” etc.)

Only a day or two later I found myself at my sister’s new house, checking out their apartment, with a loud sense of knowing that, this would be. That confidence and the thrill of being handed whatever it is I ask for, made me quite excited for the move and what it would enable me to do. In the days that followed though, my excitement waned and in crept a sense of uncertainty, doubt and confusion. Perhaps it was caused by listening to other’s opinions or perhaps it was my own thoughts and ego’s agenda that carried me away! In either case, I caused myself quite a bit of suffering. The night before I was to move, I sat down to yet again look at apartment listings online and quietly heard “are you having fun yet?” My gut, my intuition, my higher self knew that what I had asked for had already been provided. And although I wasn’t quite ready to give up, I was aware that I was struggling against the inevitable. Swimming upstream if you will, with all my might!

I now, just recently decided to take a new apartment, and just like the last time, knew that this was it. It met all the specs I had ordered from the universe literally the day before. And the phone calls and appointment making that lead to my viewing it, were effortlessly done. At one point, while reveling at the view, and the windows on 4 sides, I felt this bubble of excitement and energy come over my whole body. It was easy and so clear and for that time any logical reasons for this to not work out escaped me, as I was overcome with trust. Having witnessed the effects of doubt and fear in an earlier decision, I decided to make it official right away, while still knowing that this was right.

Checks signed, keys received…

I have to say there are some really great reasons why moving to this apartment may be a really bad decision, or that I may be putting myself into an awkward or uncomfortable situation. And so I completely understand my family’s concern and discernment. (At this point though, they pretty well know I am going to do what I want, so they don’t say much.J) Knowing very well that I am diving into the depths of my next lesson, or “into the mouth of the wolf” if you will, brings more awareness to the situation, as I feel willing to see the gift that lies within this situation for me.

While contemplating this, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks previous. She was asking what to do about her sister, she was concerned for her, and felt that she was making some bad decisions, that may take her down a rough road. Knowing what I now know to be true, I said “you can’t do anything to make her change,” “you can only be you. As a sister, let her know you are there if she needs you, without judgement, to listen and perhaps shed light on the situation.” Each person must live their own path. I think this is what they mean when in the Vedas they speak of following your Dharma (translated as “duty”). You are here, a spirit in a human body to play out your own reality. We are constantly (consciously or subconsciously) manifesting our world around us based on our beliefs and vibrational level of conciousness. We play out dramas to give our energy a physical platform, to enable us to see who we are (or rather, what is keeping us from being love, and awareness only). For each factor in our life that is out of balance we will swing from one extreme to the other, throughout our lives, like a pendulum, on its way to stopping at the center. In this way, when we forego our gut, our sense of knowing what is right for us, choosing instead to listen to others opinions or our own doubt, we step off our path of further growth and healing. And for those who, in an attempt to protect loved ones, dissuade them from following their bliss, know, that you too have only to live your life. And to truly help means to support, empower, provide added awareness and encourage trust in one’s self!

May this next lesson be blessed. May my awareness be enough. May love conquer ALL.

OM shanti, shanti, shanti

Completion

Yesterday's new moon felt very auspicious. The day was full of changes to plans. There was much to be worked out and it was interesting to watch how each piece of the puzzle fell into place. Swahilya, Amandine and myself were at the second day of our reiki training. Although Amandine was quite sick and was sleeping in the other room most of the day. By the time the course ended for the day she had had enough, and wanted to see a doctor. We went to the hospital, and she was admitted for the night. It ended up being an incredibly magical night. The three of us in a small hospital room, chanting, learning crystal healing and just being still, long enough to really connect!

As always there are so many details of what transpired the days prior to make this evening so magical and transformational.  I will skip that for now though and get to the good stuff.

I know that my being in India is about me learning compassion and essentially, opening my heart to be the kind of love that is unconditional and divine! A while back, Swahilya said something that really 'glowed in my awareness.' As if all my spirit guides were jumping and shouting and saying "yes, yes, that is it, did you get it?" What she said was something like "just being aware is enough." It kind of made me stop in my tracks.

Could it really be that easy? ...What I mean is. I am trying to watch myself. I am trying to be this ideal that I intellectually understand. I am trying to live in the moment and trust my intuition and follow my spirit, and see the divine in all. I am constantly checking in, and growing better at interpreting what my body, my every cell, is trying to tell me. And then it happens, I see myself not able to feel love. I see someone, and what I feel inside is jealousy, or insecurity. I don't know what to do. I want to figure it out, I want to understand, I want to put labels and the appropriate explanation to all that I felt and the details of the entire situation. And now here, I am told, Awareness is enough. The answer is YES! It really is that easy. If you can just watch yourself, without responding, without judging yourself and being disappointed with where you are at, and who you are right now; well then you are free, to just be! To fully accept yourself and Love yourself as you are.

I realized your ego is like a child, that will continue to play the same power games, until it learns they no longer work. By just being aware, and not engaging in a debate, or even humoring it's tactics, it just gives up! It surrenders, it has no power. All this time, my ego had me convinced that it should be involved in this process of self discovery, ha.

So far, this may not seem much like compassion. What happened when I did go along with my ego though, was that I was in a place, of not accepting myself for where I was at. I felt frustrated at not being what I thought, I should or could be. I convinced myself, that if I could just figure out, what exactly went wrong, I could then change it, and fix myself. Just being aware is living from the heart, watching how experiences feel, recognizing your true feelings, and watching them dissipate through acceptance and love. Instead of focusing on what needs fixing, it implies that you are already perfect, and exactly where you are meant to be on your journey.

Often when we think of compassion we, think of how we feel towards others. The Truth though, is that we are all One. The world I experience 'out there' is only a projection of the state of consciousness I am at. And so  in learning compassion towards myself, I will then be able to be compassionate to others. To see them as absolutely perfect, right here and now!

While at the hospital, we read our taro cards, and I got "completion." And I knew, yes this chapter is done :)
On the 7th I leave for Rishikesh in the North of India. And so a new chapter begins...

May you all have a blessed journey!
With much Love and Light!
Jessica

India Part 2: If you can dream it, you can have it!

OM

Who knew it was so simple: When your main intention is to be fully in the moment, and in a state of gratitude, everything can be yours! My experience in Chennai, has been exactly that!

After a few days in Chennai, I found myself acutely needing my own space and time for my own sadhana (yoga practice). (I won't go into the details of what was going on, but lets just say, I felt like my spirit was being squashed with fear!) I spent a bit of time struggling with this, thinking to myself: "shouldn't I be able to be peace in any situation?" I wanted to take responsibility for how I was feeling, and thought: "others can't take energy from me, it is my beliefs and reactions to situations that drain me." A part of me wanted to figure it out, analyze myself, and my feelings and the whole thing. Luckily that night I was feeling incredibly tired and after reminding myself to be grateful for this challenge (or rather, this opportunity) and remembering that just being aware is enough, I went to sleep. The next morning I did some pranayama, to re energize myself, and then headed to Swahilya's for my chanting class. I got there, briefly described how I was feeling and then, just like that she provided me with all the information I needed.

We decided that while she was away for 10 days I would stay at her place!... I now have my own place in Chennai. It has everything I need, including a computer with Internet, a small kitchen, a place to sleep (the floor) and a blender!! for making smoothies (how i have missed raw food!). This is exactly what i want. The nearby area has produce and there are a few restaurants, and even a coffee shop. And all kinds of other stores for me to explore. It is very interesting walking down the dusty city street. There are many small stalls and small storefronts that are open to the street and then Bam! an Adidas box store, brightly lit and air conditioned. It is so cool. I am actually living here, in this city, not just traveling through and seeing the sights. I have met all of the neighbors. They are all so friendly. I am the foreign girl and everyone wants to know where I am from, why I am here and if I am married! HA! The other day at a restaurant I asked the server to tell me what was on my plate ( I had ordered some assortment of food) and 6 other servers all came over to help!

On top of providing me with a place to stay and community, Swahilya and I spent the next couple days before she left visiting and meeting with many different people. I was introduced to a 76 year old reiki master and her husband. They had such beautiful energy. We went to the beach to do Soorya Yoga, which is where you gaze at and meditate on the sun. It was incredibly touching. The man that ran it sang this amazing song to the sun and then to the earth, it was overwhelmingly beautiful! We went to the Pranic Healing center, where I signed up for the basic 2 day course, (which I have now completed). We met with Swahilya's Sanskrit teacher and I got all the information for a 10 day spoken sanskrit class, which I am now doing, every evening for 2 hours. Today is day 6 already. We went to a Subramanya temple outside the city. And we bought me my first Sari!

It was a jam packed couple of days, although there was nothing stressful or hurried about it. Together, there is this wonderful vortex or cooperation and peace around us. It was such an amazing bonding time too, as being in so many different situations provided many different experiences to discuss and just "be" in together. Often there was no need to talk..... Ah, it is so amazing.... this is what I wanted, and I am loving it! Thank you spirit!

I think I will leave it at that for now. I hope you are all well, happy and healthy.
With much Love and Light!
Jessica

Long overdue India Update

Namaste,

I hope you are all well, and truly wish I could share every detail of my amazing journey with you all. The thing is, I just don't know where to begin. I could tell you about the material world of India, the spicy dahls and samba with various rice dishes, the tropical fruits, plants and animals I have come in contact with, the very rigorous long days of the teacher training schedule, but then I would feel like I am some how missing the point. India is... only a backdrop for a story of spirit craving growth, transformation and evolution! And it is when I remember this, that everything seems to fall into place. I am not here to check things off a sightseeing list, although I was tempted to do this.

My entire trip has been incredibly blessed. My travels to the ashram, although the furthest from home I have ever been, felt like a drive to Welland. I blinked once and I was in Belgium, a second time and I was being picked up at the airport in Chennai (thank you Badri for arranging this, your parents are wonderful!), and a third time and I was arriving at the ashram, content, happy and marveling at where I had found myself. There was hardly any waiting; and absolutely no confusion or stress! Again, only the other day, when making my way to Swahilya's house we managed to catch buses with AC! A real treat, since the usual buses are cramped, dusty and open to the street pollution. There is this sense about the whole trip of being so completely cared for and secure and familiar and easy. I keep being surprised by my own reaction, or rather lack of reaction to all the various differences in culture and environment. All of this only confirms to me that I am exactly where I need to be. I am being guided into situations and relationships where I will learn to grow and evolve and it is a beautiful magical experience.

So you are probably wondering where and what I am doing...ha. I have now finished my Yoga Teacher Training Program from the Sivananda Ashram. It is a beautiful place in the western Ghats on the west coast of Kerala (southern India). The course was full on, something to do every hour of every day for one month. We had classes on the Asanas (postures) Pranayama (breath control) Chanting, Bhagavad Gita, Vedanta (philosophy), anatomy, and time to meditate. It had this energy of a university dorm, which was a bit of a struggle for me.... I won't go into detail, as there is just too much.

I am currently staying in Chennai, on the east coast of southern India. My hosts Selvi and Jayaraman are taking wonderful care of me, feeding me lots of really great spicy food, and helping me get familiar with an indian city. I am here learning Sanskrit chanting from a woman that taught the chanting class at the Ashram.

OK AMAZING STORY #1: So before I left home, I had had some interesting experiences that led me to go see a woman that does Reiki. In this visit, we were discussing my desire to learn to be more compassionate. And she told me I have a guide with me that is here to teach me "compassion 107!" The thing is that at that point we were not understanding each other, and so he was getting impatient. She said it was as if he speaks Swahilli, and not to worry because when I go on my trip there will be translators. At the time I thought this was an interesting thing to say, the course was taught in English, so I didn't anticipate translators, and I did not think she was being literal. So it came as a great and joyous surprise, when I showed up to my first Bhakti yoga class, (this is the yoga of devotion, where one finds god through singing/praising god and devoting ones self to the absolute) to find that my teachers name is Swahilya!!!! Ha, I couldn't believe it. My translator. How amazing, how perfect. I will learn compassion and open my heart through learning to chant! Swahilya, is an amazingly inspirational teacher. She is teaching from her own experience and practice. She is eager to give and share and she is so sparkly!! When I am with her, my heart feels larger, and more at peace.

So I am now spending every morning, and sometimes more, with her. We spend an hour reciting chants, and then just spend time doing what ever she has to do. yesterday we went to a home for special needs children and taught a chanting and asana class. Then we chanted while we rode her scooter to her meditation center. Then we chanted while we drove, back to the area I am staying at. It is like the authentic gurukula system, where the student lives with the teacher and learns from them all day. We have 3 more days like this, then she is gone for 2 weeks. Then when she comes back I will live with her for a week and continue learning from her, before heading north to Rishikesh.

Isn't that amazing!!! To further confirm my growth and the certainty of this all being meant to be, I have had deja vu 5 times since being here. And the two people that were most prominent in my experience at the ashram, I had premonitions about before meeting them.

My struggle with the the group energy, brought to my awareness how vital it is for me to keep myself in prime condition, before all else. I am responsible for how I am feeling, no one else. I don't know why it surprised me to find that what makes me feel best, what makes me feel alive and full of life and just absolutely bursting with spirit and love and joy, is Dancing!!! Ha....  My body is a divine vessel, and when I move I am spirit expressing itself. I have such a wonderful new perspective on dancing. My experience before had so much ego in it. It was about getting attention, or the competition, or playing the role, and fulfilling an image and when I danced my heart out here (really as an intuitive way to heal myself and my energy), I realized just how absolutely fulfilling, how complete and how free-ing dancing is!

Ah, well perhaps that is enough for now. I will perhaps try to share the meanings of the chants I am learning with you, in the upcoming blogs. They are so beautiful and meaningful.

With much love and light, wishing you all the best!
Love, Jessica

How many people does it take to send Jessica to India?

My mom asked that the other day. The Answer: A whole Community!

I had this realization the other day... In great gratitude, I found myself thanking the universe profusely, for I realized I am not a separate entity, a singular I. No, I am a network!!! I am a community. I am you and you are me! There were many details that needed working out before leaving for this upcoming journey. My faith in how absolutely correct it is for me to go, allowed me to trust that the universe could work out all the details for me. And quite literally while in meditation all the pieces came together and I received 3 phone calls that lead to everything falling into place. I did not TRY to make things happen. I ASKED for the universe to take care of what needed to happen, so that I could go. And so when it did, it became abundantly clear that I AM a whole network.

We are all connected and so when I go tomorrow on this journey, I want you all to know, you are all with me, and I with you! My growth and evolution, you too will feel. If you are reading this, that includes you! I want to say one Huge and Sincere THANK YOU to you all. For I could not do this without you, and now I know I am not.

Next time you hear from me I will be in India!!! WooHoo!

Honoring Self

I was at the Indian Consulate office, dropping off my Visa application the other day. It was one of those places where you have to take a number and wait an hour... I embraced the time to my self. Shortly after arriving a boy (maybe 5 years old) sat down in from of me with his parents. He was very quiet and played on his own, while his parents waited. He would occasionally look over the back of his chair and make eyes at me. I watched him... he moved ever so slowly. A couple of times he dropped his toy under his mothers chair and he would make his way off the chair, move to his hands and knees and then very deliberately move closer to the toy, until it was within reach. For some reason this really stuck out in my mind. It probably took him a full minute to get off the chair and retrieve his toy. He was so present. It wasn't until I was retelling this experience that I realized what really struck me about it, and that is that, never did he strain his body in any way, or compromise his own comfort or rather, integrity in what he was doing. As adults, we often try to do too much, sacrificing our bodily comfort (I am always trying to carry far too much at once!), and so much more for the sake of others approval.

On (what I thought originally was) a separate note, I have been noticing a lot lately this theme of, honoring your self. Now that I am on the spiritual path, I feel it is important to honor the messages and direction that spirit informs me would be in my best interest. But I have to admit, I know I don't always follow that. And the other day I found my self in yet another situation where I *knew how I felt and what I wanted and yet there was this longing and resistance to follow. In the end I did do as my guides informed me, and it felt great! I instantly celebrated and congratulated myself. I felt like I had overcome an old habit and had really changed something about myself!

Later the next day when I was discussing this with my mom, she pointed out that the daily inspiration for the day (from the Book of Awakenings) was on: "I say Yes, when I really mean No." How perfect!! The messaged that followed said "The unwavering truth is that when we agree to any demand , request or condition that is contrary to our soul's nature, the cost is that precious life force is drained off our core." And to incorporate yet another idea, this leaves you with a shrinking (versus expanding) feeling.

We are here to expand, to grow, to increase and evolve in every way imaginable. We want more intimacy, more love, more ideas, more joy. Our souls know that this is what it is all about. And we naturally grow with our desires by being true to our selves in each moment. Truth means saying No when we mean No. And like the little boy, living with integrity of body mind and soul.

With Love and Light,
Kevala

Day 8 Crazy??

Today Mathew and I had an appointment with a Lawyer. On the way to Hamilton, I told Mathew about my interesting meditation experience. (See yesterday's post.) In talking to the lawyer, (I won't go into the details) The possibility of me being crazy, came up. I think I said, "I went crazy before the wedding" and the lawyer suggested I try to prove this, and in response I said "But how do I prove that I was then, when I am not now? ... In response he kinda chuckled and recited this quote: I dreamt I was a butterfly, flitting around in the sky; then I awoke. Now I wonder: Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man? - Chuang Tzu*
Having just told Mathew about my experience, we both laughed, I'm sure both of us thinking, it is so true, there is no way to tell, was I crazy then, or now! Ha (For anyone who is seriously concerned, I want to reassure I don't really think I am crazy).

On the way home we discussed the Lawyers comment and I laughed and said:
     It is true, I dreamt I was a ball of light, pure potential with the knowing that I can go anywhere, merge with people to inspire and heal them, do and be quite literally, ANYTHING I want to. And then I awoke, in the present, in this body, suddenly abundantly clear of the restraints and limitations of this Life. But that's the thing, perhaps, just perhaps it is this that is the dream! What if we really are truly balls of light, pure potential, and we have only imagined and decided to believe in the reality of the limitations that have so convincingly been presented before us. Societal and cultural rules, our parents expectations and their implied beliefs around our limitations. We absorbed it all, and agreed to play along! When truly we are so much more, so completely beyond all of that!

Wow! Now there's something to think about.
In Light, pure light and love,
Jessica (Kevala)